well joe juz msg me on frensta..
he said he is held back at jb
coz he wanted to switch back to engineering..
frm business..well let him do wad he is happy wth..
but he seems confused..
anyway...
he was supposed to
be back on mon..
n today is fri..
he din call the whole week..
n he said he will be back
onli the following
week mon..
wch is sucky coz i waited
long enuff
n i miss him!
i duno wads goign on...
pic on frensta is the one..
wth my bareback pic..
he gave me a testi saying i'm hot..
n msg me saying tht he missed me too..
sheesh i hate tis..
long distance open relaionship..
wateva it is called..
whueva saaid we together in the first place..
anyway mubaarek asked me if i had a bf..
muz hav leaked sumhow..sighz
i told him bits of it..
i think i still in the 'seeing' category..
can onli tell when he's back..

dhilip he's jzu crazy but me..i'm stupid..ever stupid...will neva change tis attitute of mine..y m i still waiting hoping? wasting my energy n time...on stupid not worth it thingy..n y cant i see the depth of dhlips feelings..sighzz..today he asked me tht ques is physical attraction more imp than emotional..well its no but then sadly enuff i cant bring myself to say tht coz i m entangled in tht..man tis reali sukz...mayb its all juz a test fer me to realise..whu cares abt me more..n the more imp thing in life..but its scary i m so scared to depend on sum1 let myself ofgaurd..its scary..the next thing i noe i'm left wth nothign behind...gosh..all this jeet is not imp...its not real..but i cant stay myself away frm it..the more he doesnt call me the more i feel entangled into it..i guess i'm juz wasting my time on it...how cld it take me so long..but man sheesh its hard..damn hard..i cant forget it..how he made me feel..i dun think any1 can make me feel tht way..again..guess thts y i m so hung on him...HUNG UP is the werd..i shld reali be studyign sighz...havent got anythign doen yet...i guess juz pass will do..i'm so doen wth studies..ni dun wanna werk in sum racist com..fark life!!

yes its sad...he has not called yet..tom he might..i duno..not having confidence..jeevita came online juz now..i told her abt ravi..passed her the photos wth his num also..she was ok wth the idea..then i msg ravi todl him tht i passed her the num..then he said i nothgin bette to do..lik one monkey..lol..then i told him i gonna start match makign agency..lol..then wished both of them gd luck...after tht..hope in the end things turn out gd fer us..yea suresh..toked to him on the phoen yesterday..he was veri nice..even offered to lend me the cam n stuff also thts veri nice of him..seems lik reali nice guy..then he even has the saem interests as me..phtography we agreed on gogin on date to take pics..well lets see wats he like..bac to three guys in my life again..

hmm he havent call..yet...i'm gonna go nuts sooner or later...sighzz..i duno..if is worth it..dhilip on the other hand is promising..but definetly no looks..argha...wish i din care abt them..tis jeet is driving me nuts..wish he wld juz call..or sms at least or sumthing..argha..he called ravi but not me..duno wats up wth him...after next week i duno my mind might juz change..gosh..wish he wldnt go in n out of my life..juz lik tht..i miss him..*GROANS* i even wrote a letter..n his birthday is coming too..no cash to get him anythign god!

arghaaaaaaaa i'm miserable...duno how long i am gign to be able to take this...its been a week exactly...i wonder if he even thinking of me...or anything..i miss him lots...tatds teh hardeast part..when u miss sum1 so much but yet u cant be wth them...n cant even tell them tht u miss them...sighz..i din jzu meet him to noe him fer few days n move on..thers a reason...thers fate..i wish thers an ans a solution to all this..but i've an intuition tht tis is not reality..he can onli cabable of satisfyng my physicali needs..he doesn seem to ask abt my emotional needs...well maybe coz its too early..or his character is juz..lik tht..on the other hand maybe i'm jzu thinking too much..din go to sch on tues n thurs this week..its fri n today saeeda sophie her bf n i n our sis gogin to the theme park together...hope we hav fun n i dun get black...well see ow it goes...arghaaa i cant stop thinking abt him grr..he shld be in outfield by now..wonder how is eh doing...gosh sum1 stop me!!!

muz my life be always unsettled n complicated foreva...or its jzu fated..first i tot he jzu playign ard..then i was free...tot everythign was over..he calls me back on fri to go out wth him...haiyz dunoo wads gogin on!!!then it feels lik he reali misses me but dun wan to be wth me..one reason he jzu dun wan to commit..another he reali dun wan to get me involved..sighz i relai duno wat the hell..then i passed ravi his badge..then toked to him fer a while then he said..if the prob lies wth u he wld be tokgin to the rst not onli u...then yea he gt a point..but the reasons he gave em fer breakign up also botheres me..then today went to temple..vicky say dun trust..ir eali duno la the way he acts wth em n all..veri veri confused rite now wish i can escape frm all this..

wow yesterday i got to actuali see david blaine magic fer myself...onli the guy wasnt daid blaine..it was so damn interesting the way he did his magic n stuff...man how cewl..he flicked the cards..n guesed all the cards exactly..n he even took a card out of my hair..then the scariest part was he even levitated!!!omgd i almost fainted..we were at arab street to smoke shesha n relax n he brought me to the back to show it to me..i was lik ohmygoodness...n i tot ther mu be sum kinda tv trick..btu infront of my eyes was jzu too unbelivable..he even rooled two tissues into balls..he gave one to me n asked em to close it tight...then he waved it reali fast over n the next thing when i opened my hands the other tissue appeared in my hands!! oh my god still gives me the creeps..then he even guessed wat i was readign wch was freaky

hmm been sum times...well my life pretty messed up rite now..waiting to finishi ite in two weeks..n then it wld be all over..after tht gotta go find werk..shuckz!! gd fer those gogin to poly though sighz..all teh best fer them:)
jeet is back in my life again..i mean..well..sertain things tht shldnt happen happened...not tht i invited it..its juz unavoidable..coz we both hav the hots fer each other..but its not enuff..eventuali its gonna die out..n i dun wan a relationship based on tis..but jeet has sum probs tht he doesnt wan to tok abt...well yesterday went to villa bali wth him n his bunkmate..sum things he says r trustable but certain things make me think...its juz i'm paranoid or he's reali havign probs..we had a small tok..he says he doesnt wan me to wait till his probs r over..but he admits tht he still hav feeligns fer me if not he wld've moved on..i dunno wat to do...all i noe for now is to wear turtleneck when i meet him...sighzzz

How do u know if she's right for you?
When the moment you here her voice, it makes the worse of days just worth living through for that moment Thats how you make me feel...

How do you know if the time is right?
For when it is right, time just whizzes by so quickly that the only significant detail of each day that you remember is always built around her Through you i know the time is right...

Why do i speak these things?
With the gift of vision comes the gift of voice as your vision leads you to the voice of your soul... So i've found my voice...through you

Why these feelings without even seeing you?
When you can close your eyes and paint a picture of her with just her voice as reference and look back at it to be the most beautiful picture you've ever seen eventhough you've never seen her before. I've seen a million pictures of you...in my mind

How do you know this is real?
When this wonderful feeling you feel manifests into words that come together in perfect harmony in the form of poetic justice and forever be immortalised in her mind after she reads it. You are reading these words and you will remember them...so it is real

How do you know if you're sincere?
When you truly with all your heart believe that her eyes will give life to these words and enable them to express the depth of your feelings for her These words are alive...

Why will this feeling last?
For when this feeling was born, it was nursed with the tenderness of her voice and the humanity that runs through her. Nourished by her, this feeling will outlive us both. Long after everything is over...These feelings may still linger

hmm..the chapter wth Jeet is over...i'm think abt it any longer..i the the mind of guys now...they're all idiots.. in the end...noing or whtout noing..well tis dhilip guy whu i was toking to as a fren...he wrote me one freaky long letter...i reali duno wats wth tis guys...i mean he havent even seen me..wad he thinking...sighzz..veri funny la...

This may seem way too long but its relevent. :o) This is probably as straight forward as i will ever be. I mean no harm to anyone nor anything.i don't want to hurt anyone in my life. but others always see fit to hurt me.but still i smile.cos i always had hope that for the goodness that i try to have, will lead me to better things. and it has.but now it seems my happiness is so close but still so far away in the hands of you.but thats life i guess.i honestly wished that i wouldn't get hurt but i am very hurt.i try so hard but i can't.life always seems unfair and maybe it is but one can always draw the best out of it.i like you alot. i mentioned i'd go to any extent that i can humanly to put a smile on your face and i was not kidding.I really see a great joy in making you laugh. sincerely i want to make that my lifes work.if you allow me to.My imaginations of you are so vivid and the girl in those dreams i have,i want it to be you. You are the one i wanna have my arms around. You are the one whose hands and forehead i want to kiss. you are the one who's eyes i want to gaze in to and most of all you are the one i want to fall in unconditional love with someday. People in the past may have hurt you and stuff but i am unlike that...i wouldn't hurt anyone much less you.How can i hurt someone who i can say the above stuff about. i have trully opened my heart up for you for the first time in years and for only the second time in my life.i want this to work coz its for a happy future and to forget a painful past.If all seizes to work out in the end i too will never attempt to love again.i know you are the one for you have inspired me both creatively and faith wise.i can never write poems like the ones i did without trully feeling and meaning what i wrote. Every word here and in those poems ave been written in thoughts of you. I plead to have the chance that others have had and ruined.i once lost all belief in god and i told myself then that only through some sort of realization of her existance, would i reignite my faith. And i now i admit that there is a god. And it is to that god that i pray for your happiness everyday and to that god i offer my presence, for the first time in years, in the temple for nine weeks. Maybe as a show to god, that i really want this and as a show as to how important this is, i will be vegetarian during these nine weeks on friday. you may think i am nuts for doing this for a girl i know for such a brief period of time...but time is no obstacle when you just have awareness...i knew u will be important to you the moment i met you. That is my greatest realisation yet.So here i am as someone who will always treasure you with all my heart and thoughts for your to accept or to throw away. i apologise if i trouble you. and i promise to go away if you trully honestly just say that you dont' want me but i really hope that wont happen.i would never bother you again with mails or files after this one if u want.But all i ask for is a chance. A chance that would seriously mean the world to me. Am willing to lay it all down for this chance.i know this will hurt more that i've ever hurt if you say no to me but i am fully able to accept why you wouldn't want to be with someone like me. The unbearable hurt is something i don't wanna feel but i guess you are the only one who can prevent it...even if you were to stop talking to me tonight and after all this...i will still complete my prayers for you and your well being coz that will eternally be important to me, even more so than my own. What bears down heavy in my mind is also the matter of starhub which i will still do my best to sort out for you...I guess everything pertaining my happiness is in your hands now...Call me after you have read this(probably to tell me how it all won't work out right)... :o) Thank you for reading this blabberings...

i seriously dunno wat to do abt the letter....

L I F E SU C K Z. LONELY.HURT.DOWN.

Valentin's Day>>>>Start of Annivasary

hehe to think tht ther was no valentine day to start wth...n in the end i eneded up going wth jeet..he asked ravi along...well i din mind at all..it was more fun!!then went to watch the movie Rang De Basanti...Amir khan staring in it..goodness was he handsome!! well we wanted the back couch seats but then we bought popcorn potato chips n drinks..seated and all..watcign the movie fervently..then jeet said to go back..to the couch..i said jzu go la..then he said iya muz go past the couple ahead la..then he said jzu jump over..then i said ok..then he said u wearing skirt nvm no need..lol..ravi went to buy drink n he sat behind n said it was more comfortable..then we also went behind..then he started tickling me..n we started sittign clsoer to each other..my heart alreadi started racing..then he asked woa u so interested in the movie ah...then i said yes..then we started playign n tickling each other..disturbing n stuff..then he said u noisy la shut up..then disturb ravi..take the ice n throw at him..after that we got closer n then he started asking how n how...i was lik wat how??he was pestering me to say the answer...then i said i will tell him later he said no now...then i said got ravi...he said so wat n started calling ravi n i was lik oh god...the next thing i told him i did lik him n he said of coz i lik u la obviously..y u so slow..sighzz..then he started poking my ribs..n i managed to slide a ice down his t-shirt...hehe..was so funn...then we were walking to take 960 on the way...he started dancing..how adorable he juz cant stop dancing..then i n ravi were lik pple gonna throw coin..then they started disturbing the couple ther..iyoo crazy man...they ended up waving at the coupl ein the bus..since the bus was full we walked down to the bus stop ahead n took the bus ther we still din get a place to sit so we stood at the middle...ravi was sooo tall that he had to slant in to stand properly..as usual tis jeet cldnt stand wthout doing nothing so he started to disturb ravi lik hell..then every time the bus jerked he hold on to my waist..*blushes*..lol...he is just sooo sweeeett....then he was playing fallign on ravi..but he reali got pushed back..then he said...how coem u din pull me back..so sad...lol..i rather pull him to be part of my life...lol..well then he started to hold my waist n i was reali close wth him..it felt soo gd!!but after a while we got seats n we went to sit at the back then he started disturb ravi...asked me to ask him wat he wld think if we both got together..i was lookign at him when i was asking ravi..n he was actioning lik he bochap dunno anythign!!!tat pandi...then he juz said u pple r old enuff to think 4 urselves..hmmm then after he got off he wanted to go smoke as usual..so we went to the escalator there n i sat down...then tis jeet..he came close to me n suddenly my heart started beating soo fast...tehn he jzu looked at me n went back..arghaa...then it started all over again..well it was soo obvious the attration..the chemistry..i cld juz understand him..see thru him..n i told him i did miss him..n he said he did too..n then we kept quiet..then he said juz lik tht?? then i said yea la...wad else..then he said nothing special..then i kissed him on his cheeks he said iyah my sister also can give me that..then the next minute..he came down on my mouth juz lik tht..omg..i was juz dead on my tracks..cldnt move or say anything i cldnt even think...momentary brain freeze...n the next thing i noe i was kissing him back...n he was kissing my forehead.. my god it never felt more rite...i cldnt pull myself away frm him..but we both did..n then he was smiling at me..n i got down n hugged him..then he kept saying he cant belive tis..i kissed him back n he said now he gogin to miss me even more...n he doesnt wan to go back 2 camp..neither did i...n so that was the start of our relationship..n he said i better call him n tok to him hehe...then he hold my hands n we went to take cab...i kissed him n went off...wad an magical end to a magical day **All smiles** oh god how sad i'm not single anymore..now i hav such a darling bf to look after..lova ya darling

wow wow wow...life has a real twist of fate....wel wel wel...duno wher to start..but its juz happened juz like tht...the best part is that it feels rite...ok..jeet..he was frm my sec sch..we were frm teh same sec sch...but...we never toked..or even smiled..to date i known him fer 8 yrs...even been toking to him on msn...since last yr...then juz recently i began toking to him again on msn..n he said to call him n all..n i did ..we toked n he did ask me to go back to school for teachers day celebration last yr..but i was busy wth other things...but last yr wehn i toked to him..he lik one aruvai..so din call him back also...then i changed my num n stuff..lost contact..din hav interenet connection also...but juz recently i had.. so tis tiem i toked to him..well things seemed a little diff now..then he asked to go fer thaipusam..i said ok y not...then he kept asking r we going r we going..then he fetched me in teh cab wth his fren raviwhu is actuali chitran..n when we went ther he was soooo sweeetttt....he kept lookign for those road block coz it was veri crowded n kept looking out fer teh thing coz it might hit me...then he wanted to hold my hand coz he seemed to be sooo scared that i was goign to be lost..lol soooooo sweet rite...then saw viswam ther...and i was toking to him fer a while..he seemed surprised that i was wth jeet...n he said he can sense that he likes me...nonsense tht guy la...so din take it serious...but reali had a fun time wth him...n tehr was a certain chemistry..i did feel attracted to him..n it doesnt juz happen lik tht...he tok so much in th cab..cannot shut up...disturb the taxi driver..then ravi kenna the most...disturbing frm him ever...he veri notty also...jzu can find anything tht i din lik abt him....mayb his smoking..but tell me whu dun smoke nowadays...n yea he has tatoos..when we were going back..he was showing ravi n me the pictures in his phone...then got tatoos suddenly..then he said cannot show canot see...lol..he soo scared of me juding him...then he soo scared of me thinking of him differently..i said it looks nice..well it reali did..he had jeet printed on his back...so when i went back tat day he was so sweet he msged tht had a reali gr8 tiem n it was meaningful n all...tat was 4 thaipusam on sat...n next day i was toking to him..i guess he juz wan to see me..so he ask me to go watch movie heh ewe watched the casanova...well again i felt the atraction..i now tis is crazyyyy but i had tis strong attraction to lie on his shoulders..tas funn yi told myself..i watched movie wth so many guys..but i din feel tht way..though it was a date..we went to the carpark after tht to tok..n we went long john to eat...n tht was when we strted toking n stuff..then tis saras biatch came n seh was wth the'bf' n asked him fer the num..n they started fighting...lol...serve her right man!! for wat she wan his num when she wtht he bf...then after tht..we went sat n toked fer hours!!abt sec sch time..lol was so damn funni...

well yesterday i went 2 see rafi...oli radio dj...he was leading!! wow n he also had the most supporters..seeing all the notes beign pasted on the glass shelter thingy tat he had to stay in..woaa..poor thing he seemed veri tired..cant tok..but had food to eat n vcd to watch all..n he came out of the room thingy to see teh fans..i saeedah n pris went to together..n we were nervous..to shake hands wth him n all ...then saeedah was bugging me n pris to follow her..but i too nervous n it was scary!! but after a while pris went n shook hands n we followed..he he even took a pic of us!!in his LG phone..n he uploaded it on the website..woa...how nice of him..then saeedah wrote him a note wishing all teh best n then he gave us a pen n autographed for us..now the scores are between teh RIA DJ and Rafi...welll hope he wins it all..since thers so much conspiracy abt him n all inside oli..

hmm today as usual...well..HARI SUCKS SUCKS SUKS BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is the thorn among the roses in guys...(not that ther r roses anyway) well duno wad to write..had mutton rice after such a long time..was reali tasty..i'm goign out of cash a the same time..n saeedah 4got to bring her mone to top up..funny gal..she was irritating me yesterday a hundred times askign if we r going...

hmm...new monday...well i got so many issues going on...dalvin wans to meet me alreadi..he says he wans to fetch me at sch..duno he wan to fetch me or see the gals..but i seriously not bothered hey i'm gettign a ride gd enufff...tis he called during lunch today...well the dasan msges me now n then..i msged the hari idiot two times but i think he's reali is a certified ass after all..wahaha...mom say i can invite saeedah pris n sophie fer dinner on sat..but duno if they can make it..sophies' not in class today..

Hmmm i decided to reali give up on guys...i mean ther r guys whu r gd..but they r not gd looking..its so hard to find gd looking nice guys in singapore...damn...and hari turns out to be reali a loser..he turned down the date we supposed to go on sat..wad an asshole..i given up callign him..then the vicki also dun call..or he's more busi preparign kavadi...then thers tis sunil keshan both also dun call..then went out wth dasan the other day...he gave me a small bear hehe ..n he proposed again..man...i duno he veri nice guy..but i cant imagine goign long term wth him...onli can think of him as fren...then he has this scary teeth also..lol...the onli guy whu callign me devotedly is the dalvin guy i met...he's so sweet...i wonder if he will be gd or sumthign wrong wth him also...hmm..always clubbign n romancing haiyo...then the vinods an ass also...well the willie..his phone got sum prob it seems..sighz sighz...i'm like praticali tokgin abt all the guys...sound lik i'm sum playgal..hey but reali it juz so happens that i noe so many..i din even mention sum...sighz...